Our life is about to begin! I say that...in all honesty...I know it began a LONG time ago. But...all of our hard work, stress, sleepless nights, lack of finances, etc...are truly about to pay off. Adam will be a college graduate in May! It is sort of bittersweet. Adam and I are moving away from where we have been the ENTIRE time we have known each other. We will be leaving friends, family, a small town...to move on to a BIG city, no friends, but my family WILL be there. Adam and I are almost 100% sure we will end up in San Antonio. In fact...we have even toyed with the idea of moving there regardless of whether or not he immediately lands a job in his degree field. San Antonio has so much to offer our little family. Adam and I have been longing to make changes in our lives for quite sometime. It is hard however, to make those changes...when you have already made a name for yourself in an EXTREMELY small town. So...although the move will come with much excitement...it also comes with fear and anxiety!
I have been learning A LOT lately to "Let go and Let God". I have been forced down on my knees on more than one occasion...and it hasn't been pretty. I have found myself uttering prayer after prayer...begging for guidance, wisdom, peace, rest. In the past...I have been guilty of praying one time...and then giving up. I have been guilty of uttering those meaningless prayers, "alright God...I need this...so....". I would get SO frustrated when I got no answers...no wisdom, peace or rest. All of a sudden it was like a light went on upstairs. I don't TELL my husband to do something...I ask. I don't non-chalantly share the contents of my heart with my husband...I pour them out. Why would I not do the same with my Creator??? When that revelation came...it was like the floodgates opened. I found myself praying like crazy during any free moment I got...many times...pouring my heart out over the dirty dishes. Too many times I salted our dinner with my tears I am sure!!! :) Suddenly...answers began to come...not in the form of "DO THIS"...but more in the matter of guidance...opening doors....peace. Suddenly...my desire to control (although it is still there...so don't get too excited!!!) has lessened. I have found myself really turning everything over to God...and for the FIRST time in a VERY long time...I have found an immense PEACE.
My life was centered around so many things I am not proud of...and for the first time in my life...I wake up in the morning free of guilt. That in and of itself is the biggest gift I have ever received. I can look in the mirror...and actually smile...because instead of seeing this intensely ugly human being...I see what God intended for me to see.
I say all this to give you an idea of how God's direction is really playing a huge role in our families lives. I have always been the leader in our relationship. Adam wants to be the head of our household...and I admit...I tried...at one point...and he quickly decided it wasn't for him. However, being the control-freak I am...I refused to give it back. I am learning to allow my husband to be the leader in our home. I am learning to be the wife who is quiet...who doesn't feel the need to say everything that pops into her head. I stress the word "learning". Rome wasn't built in a day people... :)
Over the course of the next year...I am sure that the Lord is going to continue to break off this shell I have cocooned myself into. For the first time...I am actually excited to be broken....
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. "Ernest Hemingway
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