Searching for Answers

Anyone who knows me...knows I have been struggling with being chronically ill for the better part of the last six years.  I have flip flopped back and forth between having insurance, not having insurance, being able to pay cash, not being able to pay cash.  I have alternated between fleeting moments of feeling great...and feeling horrible the rest of the time.  Most importantly, I have struggled with the frustration of not being a "typical" young adult.  I have struggled with the frustration of seeing doctor after doctor...going over the list of chronic symptoms over and over...only to be told its a "virus" or "depression" without any tests being run... basically being brushed off.

Call me a hypochondriac, call me a "worrier", call me "unhealthy".  Whatever you choose to label me...I am 100% sure something is going on.  Noone should be 116lbs at 5'9" without even trying.  Noone should lose clumps of their hair, noone should have massive bruises that show up without any "trauma".  Noone should have rashes that are spread across their entire chest and abdomen.  Noone should have chronic low-grade fevers, extreme fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, bone/muscle pain, tremors.

Something is going on...and its starting to make me into a "worrier".  I am desperately searching for answers...but its hard when the people who have them...don't like being asked straight forward questions.  

The Cross

No matter how many times I hear this song...it brings tears to my eyes...and an automatic stirring in my heart.  Oh, how often I forget the pain...suffering...persecution...death that Christ endured so that I can live.  How often I forget that my life is but a fleeting moment in which I am to honor that sacrifice that he made.  

It is so easy for us to recognize a veterans sacrifice...(which we should!)...but so easy for us to go on about our daily lives without paying any attention to the amazing sacrifice of our Savior. 

Lord, remind me today to live in awe of your sacrifice...

Fall Family Fun!

This weekend was SO much fun...I just had to share it with all my blog world friends!

This weekend was the "infamous" Oklahoma State Homecoming!  Stillwater has an enormous amount of Homecoming Festivities...so Adam and I decided that with it being his LAST homecoming as a student...we would take part.  Of course, there was no way we had time, or the energy to take part in everything Stillwater had to offer this weekend...but we did hit a few things.  On Saturday morning we went to the Homecoming Parade.  All I have to say is...the girls were ENAMORED!  We met up with a couple of friends, Daphne & Mat (and their 2 kiddos Carson & Paityn) and also with our friend/neighbor Jendi and her daughter Nilukshi.  One of my friends, Lyndsee, is Mrs. Payne County and will be competing in the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant in January...so of course...my girls HAD to have a picture with her!  After the parade, Adam and I were fortunate enough to be able to attend the BIG game against Nebraska.  Adam's dad came down from Tulsa to give us a MUCH needed break!  The game was so much fun...even though we lost (which is an entirely different story).  THANKS JEFF!!!!

This morning we woke up and met up with Mat & Daphne and their kiddos again, and made a trek out to Perkins Grider Family Farm to go to the Pumpkin Patch.  We spent an hour or so enjoying the 4 acre maze...and came home with 6 Pumpkins!  Addy also just HAD to pet "John" the goat.  (Who by the way...was the CUTEST, SWEETEST thing EVER!).  After the Pumpkin Patch, Adam and I decided to take our girls to lunch at El Mexicano.  At this point...we were already 45 minutes past nap time...and had spent the entire morning wearing the girls out...so we didn't have a very leisurely lunch.  LOL!  Oh well....it was an awesome weekend!

Adam and I plan on making more family outings over the course of our last 7 months here in Oklahoma.  We definitely want the girls to participate in as much fun stuff as Oklahoma has to offer before we move.  Today, I must admit that it hit me that in 7 short months...we won't live here anymore!  This tiny little town has a place in my heart...as it is where I met my husband...and gave birth to my 2 girls!  I am sure we haven't seen the last of Stillwater though!  Adam has family here...and alumni functions we will want to be a part of!!!

A Little Elaboration

Okay...So I have always loved journaling...but I must admit...for some reason I am soooooo much better at putting pen to paper than I am keeping up with my blog.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I can sit and write page upon page.  I can pour out my heart with pen and paper...so why do I have a problem doing the same here?  Maybe its the fear that putting it out there means the WHOLE world can see?  Who knows...but regardless...I do have people in far away places (like...Tucson!) who read this blog...and love seeing what is going on in our families life.  So as a result...brace yourself...this is going to be one heck of a blog!  :)

Our life is about to begin!  I say that...in all honesty...I know it began a LONG time ago.  But...all of our hard work, stress, sleepless nights, lack of finances, etc...are truly about to pay off.  Adam will be a college graduate in May!  It is sort of bittersweet.  Adam and I are moving away from where we have been the ENTIRE time we have known each other.  We will be leaving friends, family, a small town...to move on to a BIG city, no friends, but my family WILL be there.  Adam and I are almost 100% sure we will end up in San Antonio.  In fact...we have even toyed with the idea of moving there regardless of whether or not he immediately lands a job in his degree field.  San Antonio has so much to offer our little family.  Adam and I have been longing to make changes in our lives for quite sometime.  It is hard however, to make those changes...when you have already made a name for yourself in an EXTREMELY small town.  So...although the move will come with much excitement...it also comes with fear and anxiety! 

I have been learning A LOT lately to "Let go and Let God".  I have been forced down on my knees on more than one occasion...and it hasn't been pretty.  I have found myself uttering prayer after prayer...begging for guidance, wisdom, peace, rest.  In the past...I have been guilty of praying one time...and then giving up.  I have been guilty of uttering those meaningless prayers, "alright God...I need this...so....".  I would get SO frustrated when I got no answers...no wisdom, peace or rest.  All of a sudden it was like a light went on upstairs.  I don't TELL my husband to do something...I ask.  I don't non-chalantly share the contents of my heart with my husband...I pour them out.  Why would I not do the same with my Creator???  When that revelation came...it was like the floodgates opened.  I found myself praying like crazy during any free moment I got...many times...pouring my heart out over the dirty dishes.  Too many times I salted our dinner with my tears I am sure!!!  :)  Suddenly...answers began to come...not in the form of "DO THIS"...but more in the matter of guidance...opening doors....peace.  Suddenly...my desire to control (although it is still there...so don't get too excited!!!) has lessened.  I have found myself really turning everything over to God...and for the FIRST time in a VERY long time...I have found an immense PEACE.  

My life was centered around so many things I am not proud of...and for the first time in my life...I wake up in the morning free of guilt.  That in and of itself is the biggest gift I have ever received.  I can look in the mirror...and actually smile...because instead of seeing this intensely ugly human being...I see what God intended for me to see.  

I say all this to give you an idea of how God's direction is really playing a huge role in our families lives.  I have always been the leader in our relationship.  Adam wants to be the head of our household...and I admit...I tried...at one point...and he quickly decided it wasn't for him.  However, being the control-freak I am...I refused to give it back.  I am learning to allow my husband to be the leader in our home.  I am learning to be the wife who is quiet...who doesn't feel the need to say everything that pops into her head.  I stress the word "learning".  Rome wasn't built in a day people... :)

Over the course of the next year...I am sure that the Lord is going to continue to break off this shell I have cocooned myself into.  For the first time...I am actually excited to be broken....

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.  "Ernest Hemingway

WOW!

So we recently were shocked to find out that rather than Adam graduating in December of 2011...it actually turns out he will be graduating this upcoming May!  OMG!  A whole 7 months earlier than what we originally thought!

I can't believe that in 7 short months...we will be on our way to the next chapter of our lives!  I am so incredibly excited...and nervous its unreal!!!!