Worldly Standards

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30

I have been bombarded left and right lately with the subject of "beauty".  

A few weeks ago, Adam and I were watching "Celebrity Plastic Surgery:  Gone to Far?"  I must say, as a 25, 26 (still not use to that one!) woman...I look in the mirror and find flaws.  I could list them for you, but suffice it to say...the list is long.  I have been very adamant about one procedure...and I have been second guessing myself since I saw the previous mentioned documentary.  What am I teaching my children by picking myself a part?  Will that behavior begin to show itself in my girls?  I think many times we don't realize exactly what our children absorb!  Just think about when you hear your child repeat something you have said.  Now...look at how you speak to your child.  Doesn't it closely resemble what you heard YOUR mother say to you?

About a year ago I tuned into the first episode of Toddler's & Tiara's.  Long story short...I watched that 1 episode...and haven't watched it...(until tonight that is).  I was so disgusted at the first episode...I was literally seething with anger.  

I don't know what made me decide to re-watch the first season tonight.  Boredom while waiting for the hubby to come home perhaps?  :)  My feelings haven't changed...as a matter of fact, if anything, my feelings are even stronger.

I will not generalize and say that ALL child beauty pageants are wrong.  Nor will I say beauty pageants are wrong in general.  In fact a WONDERFUL girl I know, Mrs. Lyndsee Hargett, will be competing in the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant in just a few short weeks!  And...she is by far the sweetest, humblest, most caring person I know...so I am confident she is going to ROCK IT!  (LOVE YA GIRL!!)

I also can see the "Pro's" of beauty pageants.  Let me break 'em down for ya':

• Promoting confidence.  When done properly...pageants can be a great source of self-confidence!  I don't know about you...but it has to take SOME level of confidence to put yourself in front of a firing squad!!!
• People skills.  
• Earning money for scholarships, etc.

 However, the common trend I have been seeing in these beauty pageants is how disappointed the PARENTS are that their children didn't "win".  I don't think they realize how just their obvious disappointment (no words spoken) can make the child feel like somehow THEY failed.  

The "cons" seem to far outweigh the pro's when you really look at it:

• We are teaching these girls that outer beauty is what matters.  Spray tans, "flippers" (false teeth that actually resemble those fake "vampire teeth" except they are perfectly white and perfectly straight), acrylic nails, heavy makeup, hours doing hair, massive amounts of hairspray...etc, are common place in childhood beauty pageants.  I tend to think that those toothless grins are quite charming...and no child should have to inhale the insane quantities of fumes from hairspray...have their beautiful, CHILDHOOD skin plastered with makeup just to be "perfect"
• Self-esteem can actually be hurt when they are constantly being compared to other people and made to feel like they don't measure up.  
• You take away their being able to just be a KID!  Whatever happened to playing dress-up without the pressure of having to "win".

As a mother of 2 girls and a step mom to a little girl...I am appalled.  Growing up is a struggle in and of itself.  Kids face enough criticism from their peers alone...without us thrusting them into a competitive world of judging based on outward appearances.  I am under no grand illusions that people will never judge my children based on what they look like.  I have no delusions that my children will not do what they need to do to make themselves "acceptable" by the worlds standards on the outside.  For goodness sakes, I wear makeup, do my hair, and try to dress nicely when out in public myself.  But the lesson I want MY children to learn is that despite what they look like on the outside...it is who they are INSIDE that matters the most.  You can be "perfection" on the outside...but it won't get you very far if its not backed by a heart of gold.  Eventually, looks fade.  You will never meet everyones expectations of beauty...because after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder...right?

I can't imagine being a mother who doesn't look at my child and see perfection right away.  Even when Addyson's hair is a tangled mess, she has food on her face, and her clothes are messy from that mud puddle she was jumping in...I see absolute perfection.  I often wonder if the drive to have a "perfect" child is really just a compensation for the inadequacy a mother felt as a child.  In the end, I don't know the hearts and the minds of the parents who choose to have their child in every little contest/pageant.  I only have to answer for myself.  

In case anyones wondering...if any of my children expressed an interest on their own to do something of that nature...I would support them 110%.  Even if they lose.  

A Small Step Forward

About 2 weeks ago, I began seeing Dr. Evans at Stillwater Family Care.  Before my appointment I plead with Adam to go with me...stressing the importance of him being there.  We walked into the appointment armed with a typed/printed list of every symptom I have suffered over the past 6 years...and were fully prepared to hear the same explanations we have heard before.  To both of our surprise...Dr. Evans listened quietly then asked questions that no one had asked before.  He took my hand as I began to tear up (out of frustration over the past 6 years) and looked me in the eyes and said, "Its obvious SOMETHING is going on...and I am going to do everything I can to figure it out...so just hang in there."

I left that appointment with an order for blood work and an MRI of my brain.  For the first time, in SO long, Adam and I actually felt like we were on the road to being given answers.

After having 9 vials of blood drawn, and being injected with contrast for an MRI of my brain.  I got a phone call from Rachel, Dr. Evans nurse.  She let me know that my blood work only revealed an overactive thyroid, and to go ahead and KEEP my follow up appointment the following day.  I hung up just knowing that I again...was going to be brushed off....since obviously my lab work was pretty much saying that nothing was wrong.

When I went to my follow up appointment...I walked in...stepped on the scale...and to my surprise...had lost yet another 2lbs.  (NOT GOOD!!!)  My temperature was taken...and of course was normal (when I have been running a low grade fever almost constantly).  She took my blood pressure...again normal...and my blood oxygen (which was a little low...but I have been battling a cold).  When Dr. Evans came in...he quietly asked how I was feeling to which I replied..."Honestly...just as bad as I did before."  He pulled up a chair...and went over my labs with me...explaining the results in detail.  Then...asked more questions.  He suggested I go on thyroid medication and recheck everything in 1 month.  He also let me know that he doesn't think my thyroid is what is causing everything...and that we will get it figured out.  He is not ruling out auto-immune disorders or fibromyalgia.

I cannot express how blessed I feel right now.  Despite the fact that we don't have all the answers yet...atleast I have medical insurance and someone listening to me now!  I am truly blessed that we have ruled out most life threatening illness'.  God is good....All the time....even when I don't know how things could get any worse...he shows me a glimpse of his grace and mercy.

Searching for Answers

Anyone who knows me...knows I have been struggling with being chronically ill for the better part of the last six years.  I have flip flopped back and forth between having insurance, not having insurance, being able to pay cash, not being able to pay cash.  I have alternated between fleeting moments of feeling great...and feeling horrible the rest of the time.  Most importantly, I have struggled with the frustration of not being a "typical" young adult.  I have struggled with the frustration of seeing doctor after doctor...going over the list of chronic symptoms over and over...only to be told its a "virus" or "depression" without any tests being run... basically being brushed off.

Call me a hypochondriac, call me a "worrier", call me "unhealthy".  Whatever you choose to label me...I am 100% sure something is going on.  Noone should be 116lbs at 5'9" without even trying.  Noone should lose clumps of their hair, noone should have massive bruises that show up without any "trauma".  Noone should have rashes that are spread across their entire chest and abdomen.  Noone should have chronic low-grade fevers, extreme fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, bone/muscle pain, tremors.

Something is going on...and its starting to make me into a "worrier".  I am desperately searching for answers...but its hard when the people who have them...don't like being asked straight forward questions.  

The Cross

No matter how many times I hear this song...it brings tears to my eyes...and an automatic stirring in my heart.  Oh, how often I forget the pain...suffering...persecution...death that Christ endured so that I can live.  How often I forget that my life is but a fleeting moment in which I am to honor that sacrifice that he made.  

It is so easy for us to recognize a veterans sacrifice...(which we should!)...but so easy for us to go on about our daily lives without paying any attention to the amazing sacrifice of our Savior. 

Lord, remind me today to live in awe of your sacrifice...

Fall Family Fun!

This weekend was SO much fun...I just had to share it with all my blog world friends!

This weekend was the "infamous" Oklahoma State Homecoming!  Stillwater has an enormous amount of Homecoming Festivities...so Adam and I decided that with it being his LAST homecoming as a student...we would take part.  Of course, there was no way we had time, or the energy to take part in everything Stillwater had to offer this weekend...but we did hit a few things.  On Saturday morning we went to the Homecoming Parade.  All I have to say is...the girls were ENAMORED!  We met up with a couple of friends, Daphne & Mat (and their 2 kiddos Carson & Paityn) and also with our friend/neighbor Jendi and her daughter Nilukshi.  One of my friends, Lyndsee, is Mrs. Payne County and will be competing in the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant in January...so of course...my girls HAD to have a picture with her!  After the parade, Adam and I were fortunate enough to be able to attend the BIG game against Nebraska.  Adam's dad came down from Tulsa to give us a MUCH needed break!  The game was so much fun...even though we lost (which is an entirely different story).  THANKS JEFF!!!!

This morning we woke up and met up with Mat & Daphne and their kiddos again, and made a trek out to Perkins Grider Family Farm to go to the Pumpkin Patch.  We spent an hour or so enjoying the 4 acre maze...and came home with 6 Pumpkins!  Addy also just HAD to pet "John" the goat.  (Who by the way...was the CUTEST, SWEETEST thing EVER!).  After the Pumpkin Patch, Adam and I decided to take our girls to lunch at El Mexicano.  At this point...we were already 45 minutes past nap time...and had spent the entire morning wearing the girls out...so we didn't have a very leisurely lunch.  LOL!  Oh well....it was an awesome weekend!

Adam and I plan on making more family outings over the course of our last 7 months here in Oklahoma.  We definitely want the girls to participate in as much fun stuff as Oklahoma has to offer before we move.  Today, I must admit that it hit me that in 7 short months...we won't live here anymore!  This tiny little town has a place in my heart...as it is where I met my husband...and gave birth to my 2 girls!  I am sure we haven't seen the last of Stillwater though!  Adam has family here...and alumni functions we will want to be a part of!!!

A Little Elaboration

Okay...So I have always loved journaling...but I must admit...for some reason I am soooooo much better at putting pen to paper than I am keeping up with my blog.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I can sit and write page upon page.  I can pour out my heart with pen and paper...so why do I have a problem doing the same here?  Maybe its the fear that putting it out there means the WHOLE world can see?  Who knows...but regardless...I do have people in far away places (like...Tucson!) who read this blog...and love seeing what is going on in our families life.  So as a result...brace yourself...this is going to be one heck of a blog!  :)

Our life is about to begin!  I say that...in all honesty...I know it began a LONG time ago.  But...all of our hard work, stress, sleepless nights, lack of finances, etc...are truly about to pay off.  Adam will be a college graduate in May!  It is sort of bittersweet.  Adam and I are moving away from where we have been the ENTIRE time we have known each other.  We will be leaving friends, family, a small town...to move on to a BIG city, no friends, but my family WILL be there.  Adam and I are almost 100% sure we will end up in San Antonio.  In fact...we have even toyed with the idea of moving there regardless of whether or not he immediately lands a job in his degree field.  San Antonio has so much to offer our little family.  Adam and I have been longing to make changes in our lives for quite sometime.  It is hard however, to make those changes...when you have already made a name for yourself in an EXTREMELY small town.  So...although the move will come with much excitement...it also comes with fear and anxiety! 

I have been learning A LOT lately to "Let go and Let God".  I have been forced down on my knees on more than one occasion...and it hasn't been pretty.  I have found myself uttering prayer after prayer...begging for guidance, wisdom, peace, rest.  In the past...I have been guilty of praying one time...and then giving up.  I have been guilty of uttering those meaningless prayers, "alright God...I need this...so....".  I would get SO frustrated when I got no answers...no wisdom, peace or rest.  All of a sudden it was like a light went on upstairs.  I don't TELL my husband to do something...I ask.  I don't non-chalantly share the contents of my heart with my husband...I pour them out.  Why would I not do the same with my Creator???  When that revelation came...it was like the floodgates opened.  I found myself praying like crazy during any free moment I got...many times...pouring my heart out over the dirty dishes.  Too many times I salted our dinner with my tears I am sure!!!  :)  Suddenly...answers began to come...not in the form of "DO THIS"...but more in the matter of guidance...opening doors....peace.  Suddenly...my desire to control (although it is still there...so don't get too excited!!!) has lessened.  I have found myself really turning everything over to God...and for the FIRST time in a VERY long time...I have found an immense PEACE.  

My life was centered around so many things I am not proud of...and for the first time in my life...I wake up in the morning free of guilt.  That in and of itself is the biggest gift I have ever received.  I can look in the mirror...and actually smile...because instead of seeing this intensely ugly human being...I see what God intended for me to see.  

I say all this to give you an idea of how God's direction is really playing a huge role in our families lives.  I have always been the leader in our relationship.  Adam wants to be the head of our household...and I admit...I tried...at one point...and he quickly decided it wasn't for him.  However, being the control-freak I am...I refused to give it back.  I am learning to allow my husband to be the leader in our home.  I am learning to be the wife who is quiet...who doesn't feel the need to say everything that pops into her head.  I stress the word "learning".  Rome wasn't built in a day people... :)

Over the course of the next year...I am sure that the Lord is going to continue to break off this shell I have cocooned myself into.  For the first time...I am actually excited to be broken....

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.  "Ernest Hemingway

WOW!

So we recently were shocked to find out that rather than Adam graduating in December of 2011...it actually turns out he will be graduating this upcoming May!  OMG!  A whole 7 months earlier than what we originally thought!

I can't believe that in 7 short months...we will be on our way to the next chapter of our lives!  I am so incredibly excited...and nervous its unreal!!!!